Of Fries And The Disappearing Act

I remember when I started dating – about 10 years ago (oh my!) – it was relatively easy for someone to ‘disappear’ if they were no longer interested in continuing a relationship with you.

Social media didn’t exist, so you couldn’t track their every movement.

There was certainly no Whatsapp, so you couldn’t track their ‘last seen’.

If someone chose to simply ‘disappear’ from your life, one of these theories could hold true – at least in your head, which was good enough to serve as some sort of closure: “maybe he lost his phone” (the classic), “maybe he got bitten by a rat and got rabies and died”, “maybe he went to climb Mt Everest and never made it back”, “maybe he was in Hawaii and a volcano erupted”, and so on and so forth.

Fast forward to NOW. While you may disappear by ignoring someone’s messages, you can’t stop them from seeing your movements in the online world.

In the earlier days of Facebook, things you ‘Liked’  wouldn’t show up on newsfeed – now they do! So all your Facebook activity is pretty much tracked. Even if you didn’t do anything on facebook – by just being ON Facebook, you’ll show up on the Facebook chat as ‘online’.

You could choose to *not* go on Facebook at all. But if you use whatsapp, it will show up if you’re ‘online’.

Sure, you could block someone from all your social networks & phones. But let’s face it, the world is getting so much smaller that you’d probably run into this person at a gathering somewhere, or chances are you have mutual friends, or if you’re really unlucky then you might live in the same neighborhood.

Point being: in today’s world, it is near to impossible to simply “disappear”. Yet, some people still believe they can get away with the ‘disappearing act’

Consider this (totally made-up but totally possible) scenario:

One day a guy shows up at my door and says he’s got a delivery for me.
I open the package, and it’s a box of fries – my favorite!
I ask him what it’s for, and he says it’s just because.
I smile, thank him, and accept his fries. We say goodbye.

Next day, the guy shows up again with fries.
And the following day, and the day after that.

Eventually, I let him inside because he is oh-so-nice for giving me all these free fries.

He comes back everyday with fries, and I let him in everytime now. He starts to grow on me. I’m fat but happy.

One day, my FryMan stops showing up.

Oh no.. did something happen to my FryMan..? Did he get hit by a truck? Did he hit his head & lose his memory?

3 days of no fries (or FryMan). I feel my world falling apart. I go for a walk.

I bump into FryMan on the street – the dude is alive and well – all body parts intact, memory intact.

I want to ask him why he stopped delivering my fries, but that would sound too demanding, like I was expecting him to deliver my fries everyday (even though I was). I decide to go with something less presumptious..

Me: Hey, how are you? (Translation: Where are my fries?!?)

FryMan: Hey.. tired (Translation: don’t ask me about the fries)

Me: Oh.. okay.. doing anything much today? (Translation: are you planning on delivering my fries at some point?)

FryMan: Not sure.. probably rest (Translation: No fries for you, lady)

Me: Oh.. okay.. I hope you feel better soon.. bye (Translation: WHY THE HELL DID YOU SHOW UP IN THE FIRST PLACE TO DELIVER THOSE FRIES I NEVER ASKED FOR, AND THEN GET ME ALL HOOKED AND FAT!! NOW TAKE SOME FREAKIN’ RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!)

Him: Thanks.. bye (Translation: I’ve actually got another fry delivery to make.. it’s just not addressed to you)
————-

How many of you can totally see yourself as you were reading this scenario? (All hands should be raised up high at this point).

Which brings me to my real question: Is there some kind of etiquette one should adhere to before disappearing?

I mean, it seems kind of rude doesn’t it? You’ve been talking and hanging out for a while and things seem to be going well, and all of a sudden the person just… disappears. No calls, no messages, no nothing. (And I *know* for a fact that you didn’t get eaten by sharks because I *just* saw on my Facebook newsfeed that you ‘Liked’ Kim Kardashian’s ass).

So that just leaves me here wondering what the hell is going on?

To be fair, I guess I can understand that sometimes people lose interest. It’s happened to all of us. Maybe I was hoping to receive a notification, something like: “Hi, I will no longer be delivering fries to you, sorry about that and thanks for your understanding”. I’d probably still be pissed off, but it will at least give me some closure.

What do you guys think? Is the ‘disappearing act’ is an acceptable way of ending things?

Of Less Fries And Men

You wanna know something funny? Ever since I started this blog nearly 3 years ago, my life has been revolving around fries and men.

Why?

Well, because I figured now that I have a blog about fries and men, I need to immerse myself in those things so I can be true to my blog.

At certain times when fries and men didn’t feature much in my life, I would feel like I was doing something wrong. Like I was betraying my blog by not feeding it stories.

I moved to a new city recently though, and decided I want to change my life in a positive way. For starters, I wanted to focus more on me. I realized that by being in and out of flings and relationships, I hadn’t been able to truly focus on the single most important thing in my life – Me! I also decided I would start taking better care of my health and fitness.

In simple terms, I wanted my life to be less revolved around fries and men.

But what about my blog?

I shared this dilemma with a very good friend (also an amazing human being), and he said something really powerful:

“You’re a person with a blog, not a blog with a person”

He was completely right. Here I was, living as though my blog was my life, when the simple truth is that my blog is just what it is: a blog.

And with that realization, I’ve started my journey of living a balanced and healthy life which doesn’t revolve around fries and men.

I still allow myself to have fries from time to time – but it is no longer an addiction or something I crave for. And no, I didn’t become a hermit or a nun. I still go on dates and have my fair share of fun, but I no longer make men the center of my universe.

I am spending more time discovering myself and doing things I love. And you know what, I feel more empowered and happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

And I want to invite all of my readers to try it. Try making your life more about “YOU”, less about fries or men (or whatever else that your life has been revolving around). I promise you’ll see a positive difference :)

Of Fries And Never Lower Your Standards

Today I threw away a box of French fries. No, not an empty box. A box-full of uneaten French fries. Yup, that box is now in the trash can. And no, ‘trash can’ is not a nickname for my fridge :D

I’ve been eating healthy these days and decided I would reward myself with fries today. I waited with excitement for my fries to be ready, and finally the box of fries – which felt like a box of treasure – was handed to me. I sneaked my fingers inside the box, took out one fry, and put it in my mouth.

It was.. hmm..

Well, it wasn’t horrible.

But it wasn’t that great either.

I sneaked out another piece of fry and took a bite, anticipating that it would taste better. But it only confirmed my first reaction.

Don’t get me wrong, the fries weren’t bad – they were edible. And if this was a few months ago, I would have added some sauce & finished the whole box anyway.

But I guess I love my body a bit more now, and I’ve been making an effort to be healthy. So if I’m going to allow JUNK to go in my body, it better taste so bloody amazing that it makes my tongue go to heaven! There’s no way I’m going to lower my standards and make do with just ‘edible’ fries.

no-fries

Which reminds me of something my sister always says (in fact she just said it again today):

Don’t ever lower your standards. Not even one bit.

Obviously she didn’t mean it in the context of fries :P But I’m sure will be happy to know I’m also applying her wise words towards men & dating.

It’s been a series of dateless weekends for me, and well, there are guys I could probably meet just to fill my Friday or Saturday nights. But I guess I love myself a bit more now too, and I’d rather spend my weekends alone than spend it with someone who isn’t bad, but just ‘isn’t that great’.

So here I am, it’s 10 PM on a Saturday night, I’m sitting on my couch, in my pj’s, eating oranges for dinner. And I couldn’t be happier about it :)

Of Fries And F*ck the Rules

I had an enlightening conversation today with J – over fries of course ;)

We were talking about how sometimes women hold back even though we’re interested in a guy, because we believe we should follow a set of ‘rules’ or ‘steps’ in dating. Rules like ‘no kissing on first dates’, or ‘no spending the night at his place’, or ‘no sex until the third date’ or ‘never text him first’, you get the drift. The list goes on and on.

A lot of these rules are carved in our brains through magazines, books, relationship blogs, friends, mothers, and hairdressers. We have the rules memorized, we recite them before going on a date (do *not* go home with him!), and we refer back to them throughout the course of the date.

For example, suppose I’m on a first date, and there’s this perfect moment where we are both sitting under the stars, and the guy leans over for a kiss. My immediate reaction would probably be to pull away even if I wanted to kiss him, because in that split second I have consulted my rulebook and Heaven forbid if I were to kiss him, I would be letting my hairdresser down!

I’ve never really questioned these rules or given much thought to them. They were just something you followed because you’re supposed to.

But J said something today that really made me think:

‘You’ll always have different dynamics and connection with each person you meet, which is why it doesn’t make sense to apply the same set of rules to everyone. That’s not how dating works.’

And J is completely right. By following certain rules, you’re preventing yourself from reacting spontaneously to someone based on how they make you feel. There might be people you connect more with, which means you’ll behave differently towards them than you would with others, and that’s absolutely fine.

Just like it’s absolutely fine to eat your fries whichever way you want. J had his with ketchup, while I had mine with mustard – yum :)

Of Fries And Being Fearless

So recently I had a ‘last date’ with this guy I’ve been seeing. Relax, he didn’t die or anything (thank God!). It was our last date because I was leaving the city.

Before I tell you how our last date went, let me first tell you that he’s the same guy whose text I was waiting for. He’s also the same guy who made me realize I may want more. And the same guy I was holding back from.

Looking back at these posts, there seems to be a pattern in terms of my thought & behavior. I get insecure around him, perhaps because he’s quite secure with himself and seems to ‘have it all’. Or maybe it’s because he doesn’t get in touch with me as much as other men have (or as much as I’d like him to). Or because he’s the first nice & sane guy I’ve met in a long while. Or it could be that I actually like this guy (more than I’d like to admit). Well, I guess it’s all of the above.

Anyway, being insecure around a guy you like –> SUCKS. In case you haven’t experienced it, let me paint you a picture of what it’s like:

Every time he sends you a text, you spend hours decoding it with your girlfriends (picture a scene from CSI or House). And when he hasn’t texted, you spend hours wondering why (most of the time you automatically assume he’s with another girl).

When he asks you out, you’re excited but also wonder if it’s because the other girls on his list aren’t available. You then start panicking over the fact that you’ve been pigging out lately and now have nothing to wear. You finally pick your best dress after trying about a kazillion outfits, and manage to convince yourself that you look pretty.

When you do meet him, he’s even more attractive than you remember, and you forget how to speak English for a few minutes! You also now feel like the ugliest thing on earth and regret wearing that horrendous dress.

When you’re hanging out, you’re constantly analyzing everything he says to figure out if there’s a deeper meaning (OMG he just told me what he wants his daughter to be named. Does that mean he wants me to be the mom? OMG!)

And constantly worried that you’ll say the wrong thing so you stick to safe topics like animals and food (after all, who doesn’t love talking about dogs and tofu!)

So that pretty much sums up most of our dates. Not to say we didn’t enjoy ourselves, I mean, we did have good laughs. But there was always this fear at the back of my head that prevented me from really enjoying it. Fear of doing or saying something that will turn him off. Fear that he wouldn’t call me again. Simply put, fear of being rejected.

Our last date, though, turned out to be the best date we’ve had.

Why?

Because, for the first time, I didn’t have any fears or insecurities in my head. I guess it’s because I was leaving, so I didn’t really care how the date went. I was able to just relax and be myself, without worrying about what he said or what I said. We ended up talking for hours about all kinds of things – real things – not just dogs & tofu! I genuinely had a great time and I know he felt the same way.

It made me realize that in dating, you can never have a fulfilling experience if you spend your time worrying and over-analyzing. The same way you can never enjoy fries if you keep worrying about the calories while you’re eating them. So, ladies, get out there and be ‘fearless’ (as Taylor Swift puts it).

 

fries-fearless

Of Fries And You Don’t Know Me

We’ve known each other for a few months now, but you don’t really know me.

Today you asked if I wanted some fries from your plate, and I said no. You weren’t shocked by my response, because you don’t really know me.

I’m not blaming you; because it’s me who’s holding back.

I’m holding back.. because I don’t know if you really want to see everything there is to see.

I’m holding back.. because it’s easier to put up a wall than be exposed.

I’m holding back.. so that it won’t hurt when it ends, because at least I can tell myself that you never really knew me.

I’m holding back.. maybe to see if you’d care enough to dig deeper.

I wonder if I’ll ever let you know me well enough to ask “What’s wrong?” when I say no to fries :-)

Of Fries And Let’s Be Honest Here

If you love fries the way I do, you’ll understand that when looking through a menu and choosing what to order, there is a 98.2 percent chance that I would choose the meal that comes with fries. Never mind if the main dish doesn’t sound very appealing – if it comes with fries, I’ll take it!

This time was no different – I looked through the menu and ordered something that came with fries.

But when my order arrived, I was absolutely horrified to see that there were no fries! Not a single one. I demanded for my fries, but the waiter informed me they had changed the menu and that meal no longer comes with fries.

I was disappointed because I was really looking forward to the fries. In fact, I was more excited about the fries than I was about the rest of the meal.

Yet here I was, stuck having a meal without fries.

It’s not a pleasant feeling, and I went through the same feeling again recently with my so-called casual arrangement.

‘But didn’t you say you wanted casual?’, my friends asked when I complained about how the whole thing was.. ermm.. ‘too casual’.

I couldn’t answer that question. Sure, when that really cute guy with a really nice body told me he wasn’t looking for something serious – my response to him was “Cool! Neither am I”. And I meant it at the time. I actually thought that’s what I wanted – a non-serious arrangement with a really hot guy.

But as it turns out, when I finally got what I ordered, I realized it wasn’t what I wanted at all. All I really wanted was fries!

So why didn’t I just order fries in the first place?

I guess I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed to admit that I wanted fries as a main meal.

And, let’s be honest here: I was embarrassed to be that girl who wants a relationship instead of a casual arrangement.

Of Fries and Why Hasn’t He Texted Part II

After two days of waiting and wondering why he hasn’t texted (and stuffing my face with fries in the process), I decided to consult J, one of my best guy friends who’s also the sexiest man on earth (J, I’m sure you loved that).

And I’m glad I did that, because it gave me some really useful insights on what goes on in a man’s mind when he doesn’t text right away. I’m summarizing my conversation with J into a list of Frequently Asked Questions as to why he hasn’t texted:

We had a good time, and he did seem interested, but why hasn’t he texted me?

Well, it depends on the guy. Every guy has different rules. Some might text the next day. Some might choose to wait a few days. 

But if he likes me, shouldn’t he text me everyday?

Do you expect him to do that? Because not every guy will. Some guys prefer to do as little messaging as possible, so that the conversation doesn’t become boring. If you’re texting all day, you can run out of things to say.

Could it be that I did or said something to turn him off?  

Usually it’s not about you. It’s more about them. Since you don’t know what they have going on in their lives.

So it’s possible that he wants to see me again, even if he hasn’t texted?

Sure. Just give it a few days.

**************************

My conversation with J was really eye-opening and made me realize that I was obsessing for no good reason.

First of all, why did I expect a guy I had just met to suddenly start texting me everyday?

Secondly, even if he did do that, wouldn’t the fact that he was ‘too keen’ turn me off anyway?

And finally, what possessed me to tie my self esteem to a text message from a guy?

Having realized all of that, I decided to get a grip and remove this obsession from my mind space. And well, it was at that point where I stopped waiting & checking my phone, that I finally got that text from him ;)

I hope this post is useful for all of you who’s been wondering why he hasn’t texted. I think the most important thing to remember is not to doubt yourself, ever!

P.S. If you have any messages or questions for J, feel free to leave them here and I’ll make sure he gets them :)

Of Fries and Why Hasn’t He Texted?!

Ladies, I’m sure a lot of you know this feeling too well.

It’s that feeling you get the day after you’ve given a guy your number, and he still hasn’t texted!

A million questions are running through my mind right now. Questions like..

We did have a connection there… didn’t we? Did I imagine it?

He did say ‘I will message you’. Maybe he just hasn’t gotten around to it?

Did I appear too desperate and turned him off?

And finally.. the most important question of all: Is he dead?

Ok but seriously, the last time I waited around for a guy to text me, I was probably in high school. I honestly thought I had evolved pass all of that. That throughout the years, I had built up enough confidence and self worth not to let myself dwell over a guy I’d only met once!

Apparently not.

It bothered me so much that I brought it up during lunch with my gal pals – who (bless their hearts) demanded and dissected every detail of how the night went and who said what to whom. This involved a lot of  ‘Oh! He said that?’ and ‘Ow! You responded with that?’.

And of course, conflicting advice from each one:

Me: So, should I text him first?

Gal pal #1: Well, it beats sitting on your ass and checking your phone every two minutes right?

Gal pal #2: Oh-my-gawd you should NEVER text a guy first.

Gal pal #3: Yeah don’t text him first. Get your mutual friend to drop him a hint!

Gal pal #1: Ok just do the 3-day-rule thing and casually drop him a text on Wednesday.

Me: And if he texts me before that?

Gal pal #2: Then you need to wait 4 hours before you can respond to him. I swear, that’s what the rule book says. And trust me, you don’t wanna go against the rules! I’ll bring you the rule book!

After some fries and girl-talk, I was still left with questions. Do I text him, do I not text him? What is this rule book and do I really need to follow it?

But the question that bothered me most was: ‘Am I just not interesting enough?’

It bothered me because it brought me back to that insecure & shy girl I used to be.

The girl who obsessed over every detail of what was said and done, trying to figure out how it could have been different.

The girl who doubted herself and didn’t think any guy would be interested.

But I’m not that girl anymore, and I should know better by now, right?

Yes.

The answer is yes! (Forced enthusiasm)

So what am I going to do differently?

Well, for starters, I need to stop obsessing *checks phone for the 1000th time*

And, I need to take back control.

But how?

Any thoughts?

download

Of Fries That Don’t Taste Good

A friend was curious to know why I stopped seeing a guy after such a short time. Here’s how our conversation went:

‘So you stopped seeing him after just two dates’

‘Yup’

‘Because you just weren’t ‘feeling it’?’

‘Yup’

‘But you must have felt something right? Otherwise why did you agree to go on a second date?’

‘That second date was just to make sure I really wasn’t feeling it. And well, I didn’t feel it ‘

‘So that’s it? You’re not even gonna give this guy another chance?’

‘Ermm.. Why would I do that?

‘Because… It takes time for feelings to develop. Maybe you haven’t given it enough time?’

**********

I’ve actually had a number of these conversations with different people in my life. Each of them wondering why I was so ‘quick’ to make up my mind.

So, to all my dear friends who have been asking me the same questions, let me respond by bringing you into my world of fries (and men), and ask you this: If I happen to be eating fries which don’t taste good, what would you suggest I do?

In the past, I would say to myself ‘maybe it was one bad fry. Maybe the other fries in the basket are delicious’ 

And so I would have a second, third, fourth, fifth fry, hoping that it was just a few bad fries and that the rest would taste better. But every piece of fry tasted the same – if not worse.

You think I would have given up and left the fries alone, huh?

Nope, the optimist in me tried to make it taste better by adding salt, ketchup, mayonnaise, you name it.

But nothing helped. And by the time I realized it, I had already finished the fries and was feeling fat and disgusted at myself.

Finally, there came a point where I learned to accept that some fries just don’t taste good. And the best thing you can do is save yourself the trouble of trying to make it taste better, and.. simply don’t eat it. I mean, why waste calories on fries that don’t taste good?

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