Of Fries And Being Fearless

So recently I had a ‘last date’ with this guy I’ve been seeing. Relax, he didn’t die or anything (thank God!). It was our last date because I was leaving the city.

Before I tell you how our last date went, let me first tell you that he’s the same guy whose text I was waiting for. He’s also the same guy who made me realize I may want more. And the same guy I was holding back from.

Looking back at these posts, there seems to be a pattern in terms of my thought & behavior. I get insecure around him, perhaps because he’s quite secure with himself and seems to ‘have it all’. Or maybe it’s because he doesn’t get in touch with me as much as other men have (or as much as I’d like him to). Or because he’s the first nice & sane guy I’ve met in a long while. Or it could be that I actually like this guy (more than I’d like to admit). Well, I guess it’s all of the above.

Anyway, being insecure around a guy you like –> SUCKS. In case you haven’t experienced it, let me paint you a picture of what it’s like:

Every time he sends you a text, you spend hours decoding it with your girlfriends (picture a scene from CSI or House). And when he hasn’t texted, you spend hours wondering why (most of the time you automatically assume he’s with another girl).

When he asks you out, you’re excited but also wonder if it’s because the other girls on his list aren’t available. You then start panicking over the fact that you’ve been pigging out lately and now have nothing to wear. You finally pick your best dress after trying about a kazillion outfits, and manage to convince yourself that you look pretty.

When you do meet him, he’s even more attractive than you remember, and you forget how to speak English for a few minutes! You also now feel like the ugliest thing on earth and regret wearing that horrendous dress.

When you’re hanging out, you’re constantly analyzing everything he says to figure out if there’s a deeper meaning (OMG he just told me what he wants his daughter to be named. Does that mean he wants me to be the mom? OMG!)

And constantly worried that you’ll say the wrong thing so you stick to safe topics like animals and food (after all, who doesn’t love talking about dogs and tofu!)

So that pretty much sums up most of our dates. Not to say we didn’t enjoy ourselves, I mean, we did have good laughs. But there was always this fear at the back of my head that prevented me from really enjoying it. Fear of doing or saying something that will turn him off. Fear that he wouldn’t call me again. Simply put, fear of being rejected.

Our last date, though, turned out to be the best date we’ve had.

Why?

Because, for the first time, I didn’t have any fears or insecurities in my head. I guess it’s because I was leaving, so I didn’t really care how the date went. I was able to just relax and be myself, without worrying about what he said or what I said. We ended up talking for hours about all kinds of things – real things – not just dogs & tofu! I genuinely had a great time and I know he felt the same way.

It made me realize that in dating, you can never have a fulfilling experience if you spend your time worrying and over-analyzing. The same way you can never enjoy fries if you keep worrying about the calories while you’re eating them. So, ladies, get out there and be ‘fearless’ (as Taylor Swift puts it).

 

fries-fearless

Of Fries And You Don’t Know Me

We’ve known each other for a few months now, but you don’t really know me.

Today you asked if I wanted some fries from your plate, and I said no. You weren’t shocked by my response, because you don’t really know me.

I’m not blaming you; because it’s me who’s holding back.

I’m holding back.. because I don’t know if you really want to see everything there is to see.

I’m holding back.. because it’s easier to put up a wall than be exposed.

I’m holding back.. so that it won’t hurt when it ends, because at least I can tell myself that you never really knew me.

I’m holding back.. maybe to see if you’d care enough to dig deeper.

I wonder if I’ll ever let you know me well enough to ask “What’s wrong?” when I say no to fries :-)

Of Fries And Let’s Be Honest Here

If you love fries the way I do, you’ll understand that when looking through a menu and choosing what to order, there is a 98.2 percent chance that I would choose the meal that comes with fries. Never mind if the main dish doesn’t sound very appealing – if it comes with fries, I’ll take it!

This time was no different – I looked through the menu and ordered something that came with fries.

But when my order arrived, I was absolutely horrified to see that there were no fries! Not a single one. I demanded for my fries, but the waiter informed me they had changed the menu and that meal no longer comes with fries.

I was disappointed because I was really looking forward to the fries. In fact, I was more excited about the fries than I was about the rest of the meal.

Yet here I was, stuck having a meal without fries.

It’s not a pleasant feeling, and I went through the same feeling again recently with my so-called casual arrangement.

‘But didn’t you say you wanted casual?’, my friends asked when I complained about how the whole thing was.. ermm.. ‘too casual’.

I couldn’t answer that question. Sure, when that really cute guy with a really nice body told me he wasn’t looking for something serious – my response to him was “Cool! Neither am I”. And I meant it at the time. I actually thought that’s what I wanted – a non-serious arrangement with a really hot guy.

But as it turns out, when I finally got what I ordered, I realized it wasn’t what I wanted at all. All I really wanted was fries!

So why didn’t I just order fries in the first place?

I guess I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed to admit that I wanted fries as a main meal.

And, let’s be honest here: I was embarrassed to be that girl who wants a relationship instead of a casual arrangement.

Of Fries and Why Hasn’t He Texted Part II

After two days of waiting and wondering why he hasn’t texted (and stuffing my face with fries in the process), I decided to consult J, one of my best guy friends who’s also the sexiest man on earth (J, I’m sure you loved that).

And I’m glad I did that, because it gave me some really useful insights on what goes on in a man’s mind when he doesn’t text right away. I’m summarizing my conversation with J into a list of Frequently Asked Questions as to why he hasn’t texted:

We had a good time, and he did seem interested, but why hasn’t he texted me?

Well, it depends on the guy. Every guy has different rules. Some might text the next day. Some might choose to wait a few days. 

But if he likes me, shouldn’t he text me everyday?

Do you expect him to do that? Because not every guy will. Some guys prefer to do as little messaging as possible, so that the conversation doesn’t become boring. If you’re texting all day, you can run out of things to say.

Could it be that I did or said something to turn him off?  

Usually it’s not about you. It’s more about them. Since you don’t know what they have going on in their lives.

So it’s possible that he wants to see me again, even if he hasn’t texted?

Sure. Just give it a few days.

**************************

My conversation with J was really eye-opening and made me realize that I was obsessing for no good reason.

First of all, why did I expect a guy I had just met to suddenly start texting me everyday?

Secondly, even if he did do that, wouldn’t the fact that he was ‘too keen’ turn me off anyway?

And finally, what possessed me to tie my self esteem to a text message from a guy?

Having realized all of that, I decided to get a grip and remove this obsession from my mind space. And well, it was at that point where I stopped waiting & checking my phone, that I finally got that text from him ;)

I hope this post is useful for all of you who’s been wondering why he hasn’t texted. I think the most important thing to remember is not to doubt yourself, ever!

P.S. If you have any messages or questions for J, feel free to leave them here and I’ll make sure he gets them :)

Of Fries and Why Hasn’t He Texted?!

Ladies, I’m sure a lot of you know this feeling too well.

It’s that feeling you get the day after you’ve given a guy your number, and he still hasn’t texted!

A million questions are running through my mind right now. Questions like..

We did have a connection there… didn’t we? Did I imagine it?

He did say ‘I will message you’. Maybe he just hasn’t gotten around to it?

Did I appear too desperate and turned him off?

And finally.. the most important question of all: Is he dead?

Ok but seriously, the last time I waited around for a guy to text me, I was probably in high school. I honestly thought I had evolved pass all of that. That throughout the years, I had built up enough confidence and self worth not to let myself dwell over a guy I’d only met once!

Apparently not.

It bothered me so much that I brought it up during lunch with my gal pals – who (bless their hearts) demanded and dissected every detail of how the night went and who said what to whom. This involved a lot of  ‘Oh! He said that?’ and ‘Ow! You responded with that?’.

And of course, conflicting advice from each one:

Me: So, should I text him first?

Gal pal #1: Well, it beats sitting on your ass and checking your phone every two minutes right?

Gal pal #2: Oh-my-gawd you should NEVER text a guy first.

Gal pal #3: Yeah don’t text him first. Get your mutual friend to drop him a hint!

Gal pal #1: Ok just do the 3-day-rule thing and casually drop him a text on Wednesday.

Me: And if he texts me before that?

Gal pal #2: Then you need to wait 4 hours before you can respond to him. I swear, that’s what the rule book says. And trust me, you don’t wanna go against the rules! I’ll bring you the rule book!

After some fries and girl-talk, I was still left with questions. Do I text him, do I not text him? What is this rule book and do I really need to follow it?

But the question that bothered me most was: ‘Am I just not interesting enough?’

It bothered me because it brought me back to that insecure & shy girl I used to be.

The girl who obsessed over every detail of what was said and done, trying to figure out how it could have been different.

The girl who doubted herself and didn’t think any guy would be interested.

But I’m not that girl anymore, and I should know better by now, right?

Yes.

The answer is yes! (Forced enthusiasm)

So what am I going to do differently?

Well, for starters, I need to stop obsessing *checks phone for the 1000th time*

And, I need to take back control.

But how?

Any thoughts?

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Of Fries That Don’t Taste Good

A friend was curious to know why I stopped seeing a guy after such a short time. Here’s how our conversation went:

‘So you stopped seeing him after just two dates’

‘Yup’

‘Because you just weren’t ‘feeling it’?’

‘Yup’

‘But you must have felt something right? Otherwise why did you agree to go on a second date?’

‘That second date was just to make sure I really wasn’t feeling it. And well, I didn’t feel it ‘

‘So that’s it? You’re not even gonna give this guy another chance?’

‘Ermm.. Why would I do that?

‘Because… It takes time for feelings to develop. Maybe you haven’t given it enough time?’

**********

I’ve actually had a number of these conversations with different people in my life. Each of them wondering why I was so ‘quick’ to make up my mind.

So, to all my dear friends who have been asking me the same questions, let me respond by bringing you into my world of fries (and men), and ask you this: If I happen to be eating fries which don’t taste good, what would you suggest I do?

In the past, I would say to myself ‘maybe it was one bad fry. Maybe the other fries in the basket are delicious’ 

And so I would have a second, third, fourth, fifth fry, hoping that it was just a few bad fries and that the rest would taste better. But every piece of fry tasted the same – if not worse.

You think I would have given up and left the fries alone, huh?

Nope, the optimist in me tried to make it taste better by adding salt, ketchup, mayonnaise, you name it.

But nothing helped. And by the time I realized it, I had already finished the fries and was feeling fat and disgusted at myself.

Finally, there came a point where I learned to accept that some fries just don’t taste good. And the best thing you can do is save yourself the trouble of trying to make it taste better, and.. simply don’t eat it. I mean, why waste calories on fries that don’t taste good?

Of New And Improved Fries And Men

It’s a known fact that I’m a big fan of cheese fries.

From time to time, I can manage to turn down normal fries. But with cheese fries – it’s a whole new level of love and addiction.

I once tried having cheese fries every single day for a whole week, in the hope that I will get sick of it by the end of the week.

Well, that didn’t work out.

Cheese fries continued to have a hold on me – as though there’s a tiny flag in my heart labelled ‘Cheese Fries’.

Anyway, one day I saw a sign in front of KFC, which read “NEW & IMPROVED FRIES”

I was ecstatic but at the same time horrified! Just when I thought cheese fries couldn’t get any better! This is definitely not going to help my addiction.

Needless to say, I rushed inside to try the new & improved cheese fries.

Filled with anticipation, I picked up a piece of golden cheesy fry and put it in my mouth..

and..

… nothing.

I put a few more fries in my mouth – waiting to feel that unmistakably IMPROVED taste.. but still… nothing!

The fries definitely did *not* taste better; in fact, they actually tasted worse!

In a way, a similar thing happened with a guy I had been seeing on & off.

We kept it casual because I never saw a future with him, but also because I liked things the way they were : casual & uncomplicated.

But then he woke up one day and announced that he was going to prove himself worthy of a future with me.

He then proceeded to turning himself into a ‘new’ and ‘improved’ person.

Some of you may think that’s quite sweet of him.

But I felt the same way I did with the new & improved cheese fries : Nothing.

I tried really hard to appreciate these ‘improvements’, but the truth is I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy the so-called new & improved cheese fries or… man.

So I stopped. (Okay fineeeeee, I stopped the man but still sneak some cheese fries every now & then)

The lesson I learned? New & Improved doesn’t mean anything if you just don’t feel it :)

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Of Fries And Consequences

First of all, Happy New Year to everyone and Happy Birthday to this blog!

It’s been two years of a roller coaster ride and I hope you guys have enjoyed reading my stories as much as I’ve enjoyed living & writing them :)

Birthdaycake

Now, a little update on where I’ve been.

I spent the last three weeks stuffing myself with fries and getting up to all sorts of things that weren’t good for my health.

Of course I knew I shouldn’t. And normally I would feel super guilty afterwards.

But because it was holiday season, I convinced myself that it was OK.

It didn’t take a lot of convincing, and as a result, I didn’t feel any guilt for indulging.

Not even a teeny tiny bit.

I could eat all the fries in the world and not hate myself for it.

Life without guilt was a complete bliss.

Or so I thought.

Until I was faced with something much bigger and scarier than guilt.

I’m sure you know it too. It’s called ‘consequence’.

As my very wise friend B puts it: You can escape guilt, but you can’t escape consequences.

Come to think of it, maybe guilt exists to serve as a warning sign so we won’t have to face consequences.

But somehow we tend to think that because we can avoid guilt, we can also avoid consequences. Well, I learned the hard way that that’s not how it works.

The consequence I faced? A bigger butt that no longer fits into jeans. 

Fortunately for me, this is a consequence that can be undone i.e. by hitting the gym & eating healthy meals.

But what if I continue to do whatever the hell I wanted and just push aside the guilt? Sure, it will be fun for a while and it will feel amazing. But, let’s face it, there will be more severe consequences which cannot be undone.

Question is, am I prepared to face those consequences?

This is probably the part where I talk about the need for self-control so that there won’t be any guilt or consequences. But who am I kidding? I’m nowhere near that. 

Of Fries And Hope

I’ve tried several times to write the long version of the story, but I just couldn’t. There were so many details, and once I started to think back, well I just didn’t want to go back there.

You’ll understand why as you read on.

About a year ago I met the man I thought I was going to marry.

He was the first man I ever brought home to meet my family.

I loved him, my family loved him, hell, even my dogs loved him.

He was perfect in every way.

Then he told me he had cancer and my world turned upside down.

I put my life on hold. Turned down a job offer in Europe. Fought with family. Alienated myself from friends.

I cried myself to sleep every night for two months, praying and asking why.

Wait. Before you jump to conclusions, let me stop you right here.

This is not a tragic story where my lover dies and I’m left with a huge hole in my heart and vow to be single for eternity.

This is also not an inspirational story where a man fights for his life, with his girlfriend by his side.

And this is definitely not a story about miracles.

This is a story about deception.

It turned out he lied about the cancer. It also turned out he lied about everything else, including what he did for a living. In fact I don’t think I ever knew him at all.

What hurt the most wasn’t that he lied to me or that he took my money.

It was that he took away the last glimpse of hope I had.

I had already been through bad relationships prior to him, and I was skeptical even before getting into this relationship. It also didn’t help to have divorced parents.

But meeting him had given me hope. For the first time in my life, I took a leap of faith and allowed myself to believe in happy endings.

It’s been over a year now, and while the pain has subsided, the wounds have not completely healed.

I’ll admit that a part of me is still angry. But there’s also another part which believes it happened for the best.

As for the hope part, well, I’m not exactly putting myself out there or jumping into another relationship. In fact, I might have been hiding out on my couch & eating fries.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t still have a tiny speck of hope left. Cause even though I’m a skeptical bitch, I’d like to believe that I’m a ‘hopeful’ skeptical bitch :)

And when I’m ready, I’ll get my ass off the couch and open up again.

Until then, here’s to #couchingandhoping

P.S. Thanks to sites like DatingASociopath which made me realize I’m not alone and got me through that horrible time.  Also thanks to my instincts for waking me up.

'Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption'

‘Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption’

Of Fries And Goodbyes

So this is it.

The line has been crossed and there’s no turning back. 

It’s time for me to move on.

I don’t have the words right now, so I’ll let this poem speak for me.

After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight.

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye you learn

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