You know how when you first lay eyes on a serving of fries, you could almost always tell whether it’s going to taste good – just from that first look? Well, it was like that for me with the first man I ever fell for. From the first moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he was trouble.
It’s the same story for most men in my life actually – the trouble part, of course, but also the fact that I actually saw trouble written all over them since the first introduction.Their smile always a little too sweet; their dialogue always too smooth, too rehearsed; their eyes always too piercing. And a whole lot of other things that I picked up – all from that first encounter. It was obvious that these men were trouble. But it never stopped me, as I often decided that I liked dancing on volcanoes. So that was that.
There had also been instances where I couldn’t tell from just the first look. And the most recent incident hit me the hardest.
I got into a relationship with this man, who – at the time – seemed like the most perfect man in every single way. With my track record of trouble, I was ecstatic to have finally found someone decent.
Throughout the entire course of the relationship, however, I kept getting strange feelings. Like a vibe, that something wasn’t right. That there was more to it that I wasn’t seeing. Now, up until this point, I had always been a big believer of ‘trust your instinct’, and I prided myself for doing exactly that. But little did I know, when my instinct actually tried to speak up, I completely dismissed it. Here is how the conversation went :
Instinct : Hey, so you seem happy these days
Me : Yeah, I am! Isn’t this guy SO great!! Who are you again?
Instinct : Um, about that… I’m Instinct and I’m here to tell you he’s not as perfect as you’d like to believe.. In fact he’s…
Me : Duh! No one is perfect! But love is about loving the other person’s imperfections, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do, isn’t it wonderful!
Instinct : Ah.. Well.. I’m sure love is all about that.. But he isn’t …. this isn’t.. Love…
Me : What do you mean this isn’t love? Why are you trying to sabotage my relationship?
Instinct : I’m not… There’s just something you need to know..
Me : Oh my god! You miss trouble, don’t you? You miss hearing those sweet nothings.. You miss the thrill of it all! That’s why you don’t want me to be happy in this perfect and solid relationship!!
Instinct : No, it’s not that. Please, listen to me, I’m trying to tell you that you need to take a deeper look at…
Me : Stop! This is just insecurity talking! You’re scared I’m going to screw this up and so you’re just trying to get me to run !!
Instinct : No, I’m Instinct, NOT Insecurity! I’m trying to warn you! Please listen to me…
Insecurity : Did someone call me? By the way, what’s with this committed relationship business that you’re in? You don’t seriously think you actually have what it takes to make a relationship work, do you? Stop fooling yourself and go find some trouble, I’m bored!
Me : Shut up, both of you!! I am happy. I am in a healthy, committed relationship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. Or me. So I don’t want to hear another word from either of you!
Insecurity : Booooooring
Instinct : No, please, listen. I know you think you’re happy.. But you need to..
Me : Shhh
Instinct : I just…
Me : Shhhhh!!
As you can see, that didn’t go very well. And I ended up ignoring my instinct and all of its warnings and red flags. Until six months down the line, my instinct brought out a hammer and hit me straight in the head – an act which I’m forever grateful for. And that’s when it REALLY hit me.
This man was not at all who I thought he was, and if I had listened to my instinct, I would have found that there was more to him than meets the eye, much more. I never could have in a million years suspected it.
It was painful and eye-opening, and I sunk into what I believe was my lowest point. And I came out of it with the biggest lesson in my life so far : Always, always, ALWAYS listen to your instinct! Even if it makes no sense. Even if you don’t understand it. Even if there’s no logic, no reason, no rationalization whatsoever. Listen to it. Especially when it keeps nagging at you.
I reconciled with Instinct afterwards, in case you’re interested.
Me : Hey… Instinct, are you there?
Instinct : Yeah, I’m always here… What’s up?
Me : I just wanted to say I’m sorry for doubting you.. You were right all along..
Instinct : I know. And for the record, I’m ALWAYS right
Insecurity : Cocky bastard!
Me : Shhh!
That is certainly what the internal argument sounds like! My problem is that a couple times I thought instinct was talking when actually it is insecurity, and as a result I ended something when maybe I shouldn’t have. Now I have a hard time believing either and stay in relationships way past the expiration date. Glad you’ve been able to distinguish between the two- it’s a gift!
Haha as you can see it took me a while before I realized it and got out… i dont think i fully know the difference but now i just go by “if it doesnt feel right, somethings wrong”.. and that helps a lot coz in the end you can only trust & rely on how you feel right.. anyway thanks for dropping by and sharing 🙂
Hi, I just wanted to let you know I nominated you for the sunshine award. You can find it at my page.
Thank you so much I am extremely honored :):)
No problem.. P.s–I love your whole concept for your blog. Love love love it
Yes. Yes. More Yes. Though, in my case Insecurity tends to bully Instinct around until I finally make my way through, at which point the relationship is dead and gone. How does one change their internal dialogue with THEMSELVES in order to better their chances with another??
Keep listening to your instinct, and good on ya for your gratitude. Awesome.
Thank you for the “like” by the way. I’m adoring your blog and am following it…..now.
Hey thanks so much for the kind words and for dropping by 🙂 And i totally get you about insecurity bullying instinct.. although sometimes i feel like they work together and bring me exactly to the point i need to be i.e. out of the relationship..
Hands down best representation of the little in-tune rabblerouser Intuition/Instinct! I’ve come to learn that, indeed, intuition is golden…it hasn’t failed me yet.
Definitely.. instinct is the best asset we’ve got as long as we know how to use it.. thanks for stopping by 🙂
i totally enjoyed reading this and i am going to re-blog it!love your style of writing and that conversation,i have also heard before…many times actually!kuddos
Thank you so much 🙂 means a lot to me that someone can relate to this!
My instinct’s ego is even larger than mine now because of these conversations!
I love your blog name btw 😛
Hhaha that’s good keep letting your instincts win the arguments 😉 thanks so much for dropping by and leaving a comment 🙂
Super fun post! Why do we women often succumb to the spicy fries?!! Wink! Oh well… just another fry on the way to perfection! Thanks so much for liking my blog!
Spicy fries that’s a good one .. let me see if i can come up with an interesting angle on that 😉 thanks for stopping by 🙂
conversations with ones self – and a forbidden taste of trouble best avoided – but unless you sample the fare – you do not know on what you dine
Beautifully summarized 🙂
Thanks for the ‘like’ and the chance to visit your wonderful blog. Love your style of writing. Peace.
THank you for the kind words and for dropping by 🙂
So what was wrong with this man? WHat was your instinct telling you about him? It’s funny becasue when i first got my married man’s pic back in 2007 i said to myself, this is going to be painful, you are going to suffer, for many many reason other than the odvious fact that he was married and sooooooo damn hot with those beautiful green eyes that even through a pic were able to make me shiver and melt, added to his very sexy smile and being 18 years younger than i. LOL so here i am 6 years later just as predicted, in a horribel rollercoaster of pain…
Its nice to know (occasionally that both men and fries are tasty!
dangerously tasty, yes! 🙂
I don’t name my voices quite the same, but I do understand and agree with what you’ve sad. Lately the voices have been quieter, I’m not sure that’s a good thing, kinda scared.
Good luck, off to eat some Curly Fries 😉
I know what you mean about the voices being quieter.. maybe it means you’re doing something right? Hehe 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!!
First, thanks for the “like”. I, too, believe in trusting my instincts although sometimes I do fail to do so. Probably because “reason” had a louder voice. Thanks again. Love your blog title by the way.
I know what you mean, but I guess over time we learn to listen to our instincts more.. Thanks so much for stopping by 🙂
Thank you for the like on “The Sailor”…I can certainly relate to your posts so far. I think I’ve had one rule in past relationships: never ask a question (of him or my conscience) I don’t want the answer to. And eat lots of Ben & Jerry’s. Two rules. 🙂
OMG those are my two rules too!! Except mine also involves a lot of fries 😉
Love the dialogue exchange. You have a fine sense of humor:)
Thank you so much, appreciate the kind words 🙂