Of Fries And The Disappearing Act

I remember when I started dating – about 10 years ago (oh my!) – it was relatively easy for someone to ‘disappear’ if they were no longer interested in continuing a relationship with you.

Social media didn’t exist, so you couldn’t track their every movement.

There was certainly no Whatsapp, so you couldn’t track their ‘last seen’.

If someone chose to simply ‘disappear’ from your life, one of these theories could hold true – at least in your head, which was good enough to serve as some sort of closure: “maybe he lost his phone” (the classic), “maybe he got bitten by a rat and got rabies and died”, “maybe he went to climb Mt Everest and never made it back”, “maybe he was in Hawaii and a volcano erupted”, and so on and so forth.

Fast forward to NOW. While you may disappear by ignoring someone’s messages, you can’t stop them from seeing your movements in the online world.

In the earlier days of Facebook, things you ‘Liked’  wouldn’t show up on newsfeed – now they do! So all your Facebook activity is pretty much tracked. Even if you didn’t do anything on facebook – by just being ON Facebook, you’ll show up on the Facebook chat as ‘online’.

You could choose to *not* go on Facebook at all. But if you use whatsapp, it will show up if you’re ‘online’.

Sure, you could block someone from all your social networks & phones. But let’s face it, the world is getting so much smaller that you’d probably run into this person at a gathering somewhere, or chances are you have mutual friends, or if you’re really unlucky then you might live in the same neighborhood.

Point being: in today’s world, it is near to impossible to simply “disappear”. Yet, some people still believe they can get away with the ‘disappearing act’

Consider this (totally made-up but totally possible) scenario:

One day a guy shows up at my door and says he’s got a delivery for me.
I open the package, and it’s a box of fries – my favorite!
I ask him what it’s for, and he says it’s just because.
I smile, thank him, and accept his fries. We say goodbye.

Next day, the guy shows up again with fries.
And the following day, and the day after that.

Eventually, I let him inside because he is oh-so-nice for giving me all these free fries.

He comes back everyday with fries, and I let him in everytime now. He starts to grow on me. I’m fat but happy.

One day, my FryMan stops showing up.

Oh no.. did something happen to my FryMan..? Did he get hit by a truck? Did he hit his head & lose his memory?

3 days of no fries (or FryMan). I feel my world falling apart. I go for a walk.

I bump into FryMan on the street – the dude is alive and well – all body parts intact, memory intact.

I want to ask him why he stopped delivering my fries, but that would sound too demanding, like I was expecting him to deliver my fries everyday (even though I was). I decide to go with something less presumptious..

Me: Hey, how are you? (Translation: Where are my fries?!?)

FryMan: Hey.. tired (Translation: don’t ask me about the fries)

Me: Oh.. okay.. doing anything much today? (Translation: are you planning on delivering my fries at some point?)

FryMan: Not sure.. probably rest (Translation: No fries for you, lady)


Him: Thanks.. bye (Translation: I’ve actually got another fry delivery to make.. it’s just not addressed to you)

How many of you can totally see yourself as you were reading this scenario? (All hands should be raised up high at this point).

Which brings me to my real question: Is there some kind of etiquette one should adhere to before disappearing?

I mean, it seems kind of rude doesn’t it? You’ve been talking and hanging out for a while and things seem to be going well, and all of a sudden the person just… disappears. No calls, no messages, no nothing. (And I *know* for a fact that you didn’t get eaten by sharks because I *just* saw on my Facebook newsfeed that you ‘Liked’ Kim Kardashian’s ass).

So that just leaves me here wondering what the hell is going on?

To be fair, I guess I can understand that sometimes people lose interest. It’s happened to all of us. Maybe I was hoping to receive a notification, something like: “Hi, I will no longer be delivering fries to you, sorry about that and thanks for your understanding”. I’d probably still be pissed off, but it will at least give me some closure.

What do you guys think? Is the ‘disappearing act’ is an acceptable way of ending things?


19 thoughts on “Of Fries And The Disappearing Act

  1. Omg chick you just wrote the story of my life lol. I absolutely ABHOR the disappearing act! I think it’s total chicken (expletive). I think the disappearing act is really about one person convincing themselves that they’re taking it easy on the other person by just not saying anything but the reality is, it hurts more than it helps…at least that’s true for me. I also think it’s really about it being easy on themselves, making it a selfish act which also drives me nuts. It leaves me wondering what the hell did I do wrong, etc. I never get a chance to defend myself or at least to put the damned thing to rest. It sucks…plain and simple. I’m not sure there is any etiquette to it; I just think people need to quit being so chicken. I know some people would rather not ever know why that other person quit talking to them but that’s not me. I’ve been ditched like that so often that I’m to a point that I’d rather have brutal honesty over being abandoned. (okay so can you tell this is a sore topic with me? lol). If I’ve come on too strong, I apologize. It’s just again…this has happened to me so often that I really hate it now. It’s also a lot of why I can’t really bring myself to pony up again because why…I’ll just be silently rejected…again. 😦 Aaannnddd I just realized this is probably the most negative response I’ve ever given lol..I’m sorry. I do try and keep things light and on the upside and for a good reason. So I’ll try and back off and say this: as much as I hate the disappearing act, if you’re confident in yourself, you know that you’ve really just been spared wasting any additional time on someone who isn’t the right one for you. You know anyone truly worthwhile won’t just disappear on you, etc.

      • Well I agree with his reasoning but let’s face it, emotions are based on reason lol. It does also work well for those who have a load of confidence to begin with but if you don’t, it’s killer. As I’ve said, I’ve had that done to me many times and it never gets easier. It just hurts. I really hate it. It may be for the best but it doesn’t feel that way – at least not at first. He did make an excellent comment and it probably is best if you listen to him than to me lol. I know where I’m limited 🙂

  2. Don’t know about the ladies, but there’s really no acceptable way of ending things; an end to anything remotely pleasing is always a scary thought. Having said that disappearing acts, I’d say, are best for YOU. They usually happen after months and not years – so separation post low-ish levels of bonding. Like ripping off a band-aid (or a band-aid getting self-ripped). AND you kind of rate this guy as a jerk which makes your pan and longing much easier to handle (Why should I care about such an ass!). The worst, and the absolute worst that can happen to you is parting ways with an absolute sweetheart of a guy, with you can’t be with for circumstances. Now go enjoy your next doorstep delivery and see what you can get the next fry guy unmissably hooked on to 🙂

      • Because of the typos. Corrections: *pain, not pan | *with should be ‘who’ – “… who you can’t be with …” I’m not getting into the missed commas…

      • Hehehe such wisdom doesn’t need correct grammar 😉 another question for you.. S I agree it’s not enough of a bond to feel great pain over, but there’s still this feeling of being rejected.. Like I’m nt good enough or something.. How do I make this feeling go away?


  3. Unfortunately rejection is a mathematical truth. You’ll probably meet over a 1000 men in your lifetime and only one or 4 or 10 are going to be your ‘true lobster’. 20-25 will probably make a moderate or tiny impact. 100 could make a momentary (or slightly more) impact. Then there’ll be 200 men – men in the office, in the train, on a flight, right across the street, at a nigh club who are going to look at you and would want to date you. But you’ll either say in your head, “No buddy, not interested!” You’ll reject them without even knowing them. Worse, sometimes you won’t even know if someone likes you. You see, the human model is based on rejections – you to them and them to you. And that’s okay, because you, my wonderful girl, are not a manifestation of millions of rejected sperms but the one who finally made it. Just remember “rejection is not equal to dejection” and fry away 🙂

  4. I love this! My fries continually go missing too. No explanation. It’s not like it’s even that hard to do! Unless you’ve been in a committed fries delivery agreement for a while, it’s totally acceptable to notify termination of casual fries deliveries by txt even. Just send a flipping txt!! But just to be clear, it’s still never cool to break up with someone on a Post-it.

  5. Ah, the famous “where the hell did he go?” scenario. Mainly because he wasn’t ‘feelin’ it’. It’s got a lot to do with dopamine levels with men, thrill of the chase and all that. Trouble is, they often don’t know themselves why they’re suddenly not feelin’ it anymore but will go off anyway and try again somewhere else.
    You do have the power to change this and I agree with what’s been said in other comments; the right man will show up consistently. It’s not blowing it with the right kind of man though as well, isn’t it, which can make us feel so bad after the fact? I’ve been there too.
    Would recommend some of the dating gurus like Evan Marc Katz and Rori Raye – I don’t agree with all they say but I think they make some valid points about feminine energy and how you can use it both to guide a man to his feelings and empower yourself. Happy fryin’!

  6. So. I’m kinda infamous for… ahem, disappearing after I lose interest. Which is a terrible thing I’ve realized, and in my defense, I’ve gotten a TON better at brutally honest communication. Which might be worse sometimes. Regardless, I’m terrible at conflict, I avoid it at all costs, it’s always been easier to avoid the problem until it too disappears. I don’t want to hurt anybody, and when it’s inevitable, I don’t want to watch it happen. Because I’m also easily manipulated, and I’ll probably be convinced to stay, even if I don’t want to. Anything to mitigate the conflict. But I’m rambling now. Last thing, promise, I’ve been on both sides of this though, and it hurt… a lot… when this one guy just stopped talking to me out of nowhere and then because “facebook official” with his ex-girlfriend. Relationships, man.

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