Of Fries And Discovering Patterns

I was reading through my old diary entries recently, and realized two things:

ONE: I was such a DORK!!
TWO: Every single diary entry had something to do with boys. Like literally e-v-e-r-y one of them. I would blab on about my “crush” in each entry, and somehow managed to constantly find new boys to ‘crush’ on and write about.

I was 11 years old when I had my first crush. He was an American boy who came to visit for a while. When he went back to the US, I went through great lengths to get his address and sent him a love poem (which I composed), only to get back a ‘let’s be friends’ note. I was heartbroken, but I got over it pretty quickly when I met my second crush at the age of 12.

Crush #2 was the first guy who ever rang me. Back then we were still using home phones. We would arrange a time for him to call every day, and I would wait by the phone at that exact time. If someone else (like my grandma) happened to pick up the phone, he would hang up and keep calling again until I was the one who answered. I still remember my family discussing a ‘prank caller’ who kept calling at 6 pm. Oops.

We hardly got to meet because I was too young to go out on my own (according to my parents). After a short period, it became difficult to sustain a ‘relationship’ only through phone calls, and even more difficult for both of us to be free at the same time everyday. So things started to fade. Also possibly because I met my new crush.

From ages 13-15, I had a series of crushes. One of them had dimples. One was tall and played basketball. Another was someone I met in an online chat room. My diary entries were a roller coaster of emotions from “yay, he talked to me today!”, to “he hates me.. I want to die :(” I wrote poems about each one, wrote their names and drew hearts around, took candid photos of them and taped them to my diaries. You would think I was some kind of serial killer if you saw my diaries!

When I was 16, I finally had my first real date. I remember we went to the movies, and this guy who was 4 years older than me had “forgotten” his wallet. I paid for his ticket and mine. Halfway through the movie, he turned to kiss me. It was my first kiss and unlike what I saw in movies, there were no fireworks, no sparks, no butterflies, no nothing. It was just awkward and sloppy and unromantic. I remember feeling horrible as though my first kiss had been “stolen”.

That relationship only lasted for two months. We got together on Valentine’s Day, and broke up on April fools day 😀

After him, I met a guy who would become my first ever infatuation and obsession. We went on a few dates and spoke on the phone, but he wasn’t looking for something serious – which at that time I didn’t understand. I wasn’t (and still am not) good at taking ‘No’ for an answer, so I spent the next few years making it my “mission” to win him over. I bought him gifts, did chores for him (I went over to his shop and mopped the floor for him!), called him everyday, wrote him love letters. I was one desperate chick.

Until I met someone else at the age of 19. He was my first real boyfriend, and we were together until I was 24.

After we broke up, I had a couple of rebounds, and one of them became my second obsession. Let’s call him frenchie. Many of my blog posts are about him. Of Side Orders and Casual Relationships,  Of Unavailable Fries and Men, and  Of ‘Limited Time’ Fries And Men, to name a few.

When I turned 25, I decided I need to get over frenchie, and so I got myself into possibly the worst relationship of my life. I wrote about him in Of Fries and Trusing Your Instincts and Of Fries And Hope.

I wasn’t even 26 when I got back to my obsession with frenchie, and it became this on and off thing for about a year. During this time I also dated a few other men, since my thing with frenchie wasn’t exclusive.

Last year I was 27, and went through a series of short-term relationships. Some were more intense than others, but they all had one thing in common: they weren’t going anywhere. 

In my quest for ‘love’, I had gone from trying to find the man of my dreams, to thinking I had found him, to believing there was no such man and that I would be better off just having fun with men whom I saw no future with.

I turned 28 yesterday, and it dawned on me that I haven’t been free of men for nearly two decades!

I tried to think of a reason behind this.

Is it an act of rebellion? I grew up in a strict household and it was an unspoken rule from the day I was born that the guy you date is the guy you marry. It seems like I was rebelling, but then I was writing my first name with these guys’ last names, so I must have been thinking about marriage to some degree?

Is it a way to escape? I wasn’t happy with the way things were at home, and maybe being obsessed with these guys gave me something to ‘escape’ to / daydream about?

Is it low self esteem and constant need to be liked?

Maybe it’s all of the above and more, I don’t know. All I know is after having discovered this pattern in my life, I am more determined than ever to break the pattern.

I think now is a good time to focus on me and on doing all the things I want to do – without being worried about whether or not I have someone to ‘crush’ on.  That’s my resolution for 2015 and the years to come.

Another resolution is to cut down on my other obsession: fries.

You must be wondering what would become of this blog if I was cutting down on fries and men. Hah! I guess you’ll have to stay tuned to find out 🙂

What about you guys, what patterns have you discovered about yourself and your love life?

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5 thoughts on “Of Fries And Discovering Patterns

  1. Well, I’m all for self-discovery and self-improvement but I’ll be sad if this blog goes by the wayside lol. Just so you know. I think it’s like you said a few posts back, for whatever reason there was this idea that the only way to be happy is to be a pair…versus a single. I think happiness must first be had as a single if the pair is to become a reality. So yes, I think taking a step back and taking care of you is absolutely a good idea. I hope that doesn’t mean you’re giving up though. I guess I see it differently from you because I’ve never had a geniunely long term relationship – minus two maybe three guys in my dating history, have all bailed on me before long (5 or 6 weeks tops and then poof! no idea just what that means but it can’t be good lol). So, I suppose I feel a stronger sense of urgency if you will, which I know is also total ridiculousness. I’m always alone really so I’m pretty tired of it but I don’t want to settle for just any fries (as has also already been discussed). I’m banking on just working to make my life happy as I see fit and IF someone comes along who actually seems worth it, I’ll be open to the possibility – I don’t believe in closed doors. I hope your taking your time out sooner will mean you’ll come out of it sooner than I did (I’m 33 and counting ugh 😛 ). I hope you keep the blog going – though selfishly I’ll admit it’ll be sad it won’t be about fries and men…I did always love that analogy 🙂 but it is for the best. Wishing you the best in 2015!

    • Hey!! First of all Happy new year!! So happy to hear from you as always 🙂 I don’t know if it’s called ‘giving up’.. I guess it’s just me realizing I could have done so many things with my time.. like learn to draw or speak another language.. or become an astronaut.. or something!! haha.. I don’t want to think I’ve wasted all this time, but still it just felt like I was chasing some illusion for 17 years. Maybe it’s time to shift the focus and actually make something happen for myself! I agree with what you said about working on making your life happy and being open if someone comes along. So I’m not saying I’m closed off to possibilities, but I guess I don’t want to run around chasing anymore.. if that makes sense 🙂

      I definitely don’t want to kill this blog.. maybe I can make the blog about my new mission to have LESS of fries and men? Hehe..

      Any suggestions?

      • Oh yes I’m sorry – Happy New Year! Oh I learned a lil’ bit ago that I don’t chase…if a guy wants me…he’ll chase me 😉 That’s easier said than done of course lol. So in that sense, I totally understand and agree. There is so much to life and much to do that chasing is totally silly. As for the blog, hmmm…I dunno. I’ll think on it and see if I come up with any suggestions ha! It’ll totally be up to you but still. 🙂

  2. Pingback: Of Fries, The Perfect Brunch, and The Perfect Man Part II | Of Fries And Men

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