I know it’s been a while since I blogged. To be honest it was mostly because I didn’t have much to share in regards to relationships and men since I declared a “men-tox” in January.
So what have I been upto all this time? Well, the amazing thing is once I started focusing on myself and my life, instead of chasing after someone else, I was able to create a life that was fulfilling for me. Some key highlights of what’s been happening with me:
- I am now running drama and poetry workshops for young people
- I just produced my first-ever short film
- I went to Kenya to volunteer at an orphange
- I recently quit my job in order to pursue my passion
It’s a completely new experience for me to wake up each day and be thrilled about the life I have. Life without men was drama-free and peaceful. For the first time, I was able to simply be happy with myself and my life, without needing someone else to make me feel loved and validated.
All of that was great, and I’ve never felt more complete. But it also made me wonder if my new-found optimism and fulfilment meant that I’m ready to get back into the dating scene.
Some friends suggested I try online dating, and my first reaction was “ew no!”, which made me think wow, when did I become someone who judges something before even giving it a try. So I gave online dating a try, mainly to prove to myself that I’m not a judgmental bitch. And I gotta say, the whole online experience made me realize I actually AM a judgmental bitch! If they have bad grammar or like Justin Bieber, they’re off my list. If their favourite pastime is clubbing, they’re off. If they’re too keen, they’re off. If they answered questions in a dull and predictable way, they’re off.
So anyway, I came across this guy who states in his profile that he’s “above average intelligence”. At first I found that to be really cocky, but then I became intrigued and saw it as a challenge. So we started to communicate.
Today we met up for the first time. He seemed like a cool person, and we have things in common which is nice. But there were no sparks- at least not from my part. I wasn’t wow’d by who he is or what he said.
At the end of the night, he messaged me to say that he likes me and would love to meet up again. I knew there was no point dragging it on, so I told him I didn’t feel the chemistry and didn’t see it leading anywhere. He appreciated my honesty and wished me luck with what I was looking for.
I told my friend A about it, and he asked me “What is it that you’re looking for?”
That question made me realize that what I want – beyond finding someone with a shared passion – is to be in love! I want to experience something that sweeps me off my feet. Not a logical arrangement or something that “works”, but something magical.
I read an article recently which talks about why you shouldn’t settle for someone that doesn’t blow you away. Here’s an except from the article:
If you aren’t blown away by someone, you won’t be capable of falling in love with him or her. That’s what love is.
It’s being caught off-guard. It’s being surprised — shocked, even — that a person who feels so right really exists.
That’s what I am looking to experience, and today was nowhere near that. You could argue that I only spent a few hours with him, and that I may be swept away if I gave him a chance. But I have learned to trust my instincts, so I knew this wasn’t it. I’ve also experienced having a first conversation with someone where it turned into something deep and magical, and being absolutely blown away by who that person is- so I know what that feeling is like.
A part of me is a bit scared though. What if I’m no longer capable of being blown away? What if I’ve become so numb that I won’t ever be wow’d by someone again?