As promised, I’m here to share three lessons I learned on how to be in the relationship of your dreams. For those of you who haven’t been following the journey of how I met the perfect man, you can do so here.
One of the most valuable things I got out of my self-development course (Landmark) is that I am responsible for my life. That I not only have a say, but I actually have THE say in how my life goes. And that if something isn’t working, I have the power to do something about it. So for those of you who cringe at the word ‘responsibility’, here’s a head’s up: Everything I’m about to say will be based on the notion that YOU are responsible for creating the kind of life (and relationship) you want. And look, I’m not saying it’s the truth. I get that sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. However, ‘responsibility’ is a place to stand, and it will give you more power to live your life as the ‘CAUSE’ of it, rather than at the effect of it.
On that note, here’s the first lesson:
Lesson #1 Admitting that you don’t ‘know’ everything
I used to know everything. Like every single thing. I knew exactly what kind of man I was looking for. I knew what he should be doing for a living. I knew that he wouldn’t be Indian. I knew where we would live. I even knew what our lives would look like – we would have dogs and no kids. We wouldn’t get married. We wouldn’t own a house.
Man, that’s a lot of knowing, isn’t it? At that time I didn’t see how ‘limiting’ it was to KNOW everything. I thought I was so smart! But it turns out by me ‘knowing’ everything, it was equivalent to putting myself in a box. Not only that, I was also trying to put whoever I was dating inside a box – I had to make him fit into what I already knew.
When I started falling for and dating Mr V, I had to confront the fact that this wasn’t at all what I ‘knew’. He wasn’t the kind of guy I knew to date, yet it felt so right and he made me so happy. What’s more, I started to want all those things I ‘knew’ I didn’t want. I remember Mr V asked me on our 2nd date if I wanted kids, and to my surprise, I didn’t respond with a No. I was slowly breaking out of my own box, and it was so liberating to not know for a change!
So I invite you guys to give up that you know everything. In fact, give up that you know ANYTHING. Life is full of discoveries and surprises, and you might meet the man of your dreams if you come out of your box 🙂
Lesson #2 here
It’s interesting – I’ve always “known” that I’ve never had a type of guy in mind – physical or otherwise and yet that hasn’t worked out in my favor either lol. Not that I’m arguing your point at all because you’re spot on! I think perhaps my “knowing” comes in other ways and that’s been what’s made things difficult. Negative self-talk is a form of “knowing” and that can have a lot of impact…I should know…I do it all the time lol. I’m working on it. I do cringe a bit when you say “responsibility” for my own life though…not because it’s not true and not because I’m not in favor of being mostly in control over my life but because for the longest time I was able to just float by and do okay but now I actually must be more of a participant and it’s scary…probably mostly because I don’t have a clue of what I’m doing or where I’m going or how to get to where I don’t know where I’m going lol. Unknowns can be scary but it needs to be seen as an adventure and not scary…I’m working on that too. Great post! 🙂
You’re spot on when you say negative self talk is a form of knowing. It’s all the things you THINK you know about yourself. And the irony? It’s not even true! It’s just things you make up about yourself and believe to be true 🙂
I’ll ask you this though- what do you get out of talking yourself down? As in a payoff. For example it could be what you just said, you get to avoid responsibility. Have a look at what else you’re getting from it.
Well, obviously nothing lol but bad habits are hard to break! I’m full of them which is ludicrous really. I don’t know how I got to this point. Go figure. 🙂 I admit, being responsible can just plain suck at times lol (such as having to replace a passenger window because someone broke into your car and stole your ipod – yes that just happened to me recently and having to spend out of my savings accounts to pay for it because there is no other way and there goes saving for a big trip eventually – or at least partially dips into those plans) but really, you’re right – it is a good thing! But I guess I was so spoiled for so long with the just bobbing along and things just working out that now I don’t really know HOW to take control back. It’s so weird to feel like this when I’m in my mid-30s. That was never supposed to happen lol. Life is a funny thing – beautiful, good, bad and ugly.
Girl, I never knew SQUAT. I had 2 mid-life crisis-type moments before turning 30 because I didn’t know what I wanted or where to go with my life. I always envied people that knew. Guess the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
I feel you about not knowing AND the life crisis moments 🙂 Even though we say we don’t ‘know’, I think often times we pre-judge and make decisions about men and relationships (I know I definitely did!) – and that’s what I’m really pointing to.
I actually think not knowing is the best place to be.. cuz it means we can be open to anything that comes up.. so don’t beat yourself up about it 🙂
That’s definitely true. Personally, I know I’ve made a LOT of prejudgments about men and relationships… most of it wasn’t good.