I Pretend..

Dug out another old piece.. Sadness was such a great fuel for my writing. I’m too darn happy now – I wonder if I can ever write like this again?

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I pretend..
that I am fine..
that the knife stuck inside my heart is a mere decoration..
that I am invincible and unaffected by all things..

I ignore..
this brokenness deep inside of me..
the urge to call you and tell you how much I hurt
the ghost of you that follows me like a shadow..

I smile..
As a disguise
while fighting back the tears bottled up inside
Like a sad clown

I hide..
The wounds, the scars, the cracks
the blood stains seeping from my bleeding heart..
alone under my covers and enter into a dream..

I dream
Of a better day
Of someone who sees into dark corners of my mind
and loves what he finds

I learn
that heartbreaks do heal
That with every ending comes a new beginning
Even butterflies need to struggle before they can fly

I see
love all around me
in a smile, in a song
on a train

I know
love is out there
Under the big blue sky
waiting to find me

 

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Of Fries And Goodbyes

So this is it.

The line has been crossed and there’s no turning back. 

It’s time for me to move on.

I don’t have the words right now, so I’ll let this poem speak for me.

After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight.

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye you learn

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Of Fries and Letting Go

If you have read ‘Of Fries And Is It Worth It?’, you would remember that I have been wondering whether or not a guy was worth it.

You would also recall my sister cleverly making the comparison between fries and salapao – ‘Fries’ being someone who’s worth it, and ‘Salapao’ being someone who isn’t (sorry, salapao-lovers!)

Anyway, tonight I got my answer.

Salapao.

It’s actually the answer I knew all along. I just couldn’t bring myself to admit it.

There are still some unanswered questions in my mind though, like..

Why can’t I pull myself away?

Why do I keep trying to hold on to something that was never real?

Why do I keep making excuses for him?

Why do I keep apologizing when I have done nothing wrong?

Why do I allow myself to be treated in such a way?

Why do I keep hoping he would change?

Maybe one day I’ll be able to answer those questions.

But for now, as hard as it’s going to be, it’s time to let go.

I’d like to leave you with some very true and wise words which really helped open my eyes.

let go

 

The Queen’s Favorite Blog Award II

“As time passes by certain things change. It’s like watching myself from a distance and seeing my own mistakes. Outgrowing someone can be painful yet bring a certain freedom that creates renewed life. It is hard to look at a person that you once believed in so much and see them in a totally different light. Love is definitely blind, Love, what does that word truly mean anyway? Love is hurt, love is laughter, love is learning but most of all love is part of life. I sit in my room, sealed in my little comfort bubble where I mostly stay and I wonder why I feel so all alone. “

This is an excerpt from a blog I came across today about domestic violence. The contents touched me deeply and I want to share this blog with the world, because I know there are so many women out there who are going through the exact same thing.

So, my 2nd blog award goes to Domestic Violence Pain. Thank you for the courage in sharing your stories for all of us to learn from.

If you’re someone in this position, I hope you realize you’re not alone, and that you are loved and deserve greater things in life.

(P.S. In case you’re wondering, here’s my 1st blog award)

Lots of Love and Fries,

Queen of the Fries

 

The Queen’s 7-Day Guide to Surviving a Break-Up

As surprising as it may seem, even the queen of fries can get her heart broken every once in a while. In times like these, she allows herself to sink into solitude, but of course still can’t pull away from her beloved blog. Okay, I’m gonna stop referring to myself in third person, because, well it’s weird.

First of all, congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you’ve managed to not delay the inevitable. It means you’ve stood up for something. You took a stand and said ‘Enough is enough!’ And God knows it wasn’t easy. Heck, it’s probably one of the hardest things you’ve had to do.

I’m here to tell you that the hardest part – breaking up – is over, so you can breathe a little. But it doesn’t get easier right away. In fact, the first week will probably be tough on you. So I’ve put together a guide to help you get through the first 7 days after your break-up.

Monday:: The Morning After

You wake up and you’re about to check your phone for any messages from Him. As you reach for your phone, you suddenly remember you broke up with him last night! Was it a dream, you think to yourself. No, you recall the conversation and remember you definitely broke up. It seemed like the right thing to do at that moment, but why do you feel like shit now?

It’s normal to have doubts the next day after a break-up. After a night’s sleep, you wake up and all that anger is gone. All that’s left is a question mark, wondering if you did the right thing. Here’s where you must remind yourself of the reason you broke up with him in the first place. If it wasn’t so bad, it wouldn’t have pushed you to break up, right? So keep that thought with you and don’t let it slip away. You’re going to need it to get through the week.

Tuesday:: The Realization

Yesterday you were still shocked and likely to be in denial. You made it through the day because you managed to shut out all your thoughts & emotions.

But today is when it will hit you. You’ll get through the day with a trance-like state. Everything is hazy and blurry, and you don’t feel like doing anything. You might even be tempted to call in sick and stay in bed. Do that, if you want. It’s okay to wallow and cry. You won’t feel like talking to anyone yet. Which is okay too.

Today is a good day to get rid of things that will remind you of Him. Photos. Stuffed animals. Cards. Flowers. Anything that makes you think of Him. If you can’t bear to throw them out yet, that’s fine. Stuff them in a box or keep them hidden somewhere.

Wednesday:: The Temptation

After two days of not talking to Him, today you will most definitely feel like calling Him.

Now, before you do that. Take a minute to think about what you will achieve by calling him. You will tell him you miss him, he’ll say he misses you too. And then what? He will talk you into reconsidering your decision, which will leave you more confused than ever. Play that scenario in your head, and you should be able to get rid of the urge to call him.

If that doesn’t work and you’re still tempted to call him, my remedy would be to revert to anger. Okay, so anger is not the healthiest emotion in the world, but for this purpose, anger is recommended. Plus, it’s healthier to be angry, than to be in an unhealthy relationship, isn’t it?

It’s midweek, and you only have a few more days to get through the worst week of your life. Take a deep breath. You will be just fine.

Thursday:: The Depression

Today, all of a sudden, you may feel extremely sad. You have gone through almost a whole week and there’s no one to share it with. Life is boring and depressing and you just don’t want to go on alone anymore.

Well, guess what, you’re NOT alone! You have family and friends who love you and care for you. Give them a call. Go out for dinner. Talk to them. I promise you will feel like a weight has been lifted.

Friday:: The Reflection

You’ll be glad to know that today you’ll feel a whole lot better, because it’s Friday! You will feel a bit nervous about spending a Friday night without Him, but also a little excited to be spending the night YOUR way.

I wouldn’t recommend going out drinking as yet, because getting drunk could probably lead you to calling Him, or hooking up with another guy. And both of these scenarios won’t end well.

So, why not have a night-in instead. Watch a movie or read a book. Order some extra large fries with it. It’s going to be a relaxing peaceful night, just you & your couch.

Your thoughts will go back to Him from time to time, but you won’t feel sad anymore. You won’t feel angry anymore too. You will reflect upon your decision and know that it was the right thing to do.

Saturday:: The Pampering

Being in a relationship means your weekends are usually spent together. But now you have a whole Saturday to yourself with no interruptions, and this thought excites you more than anything.

Set out to making the day about YOU. Pamper yourself. Schedule a spa & massage session, manicure & pedicure, and get your hair done.

Then take yourself to a nice restaurant, order your favorite dish with a glass of wine.

Do you hear that? The sound of solitude. It’s not that bad, is it? Your body is relaxed, and so is your mind. And in this moment, you will actually feel good about yourself and your decision. You feel content about where you are in life, and the fact is you don’t need a man to share every moment with. You love your freedom and you are excited about where your life will take you next.

Sunday:: The Strength

Today you will wake up feeling much better. It’s hard to believe only six days has gone by, when it feels like forever. You look back at yourself six days ago, and realize you’re not that sad lonely girl anymore. Today you are strong. Today you know you can get through anything. And you know you’re going to be absolutely fine.

You call your family & friends again, to thank them for being here, and to let them know you’re going to be okay. You feel appreciative for having them in your life, and more importantly, you know that you are the bestest friend you will ever have, and you appreciate yourself even more.

Congratulations, you have made it through 7 days of hell. It’s only going to get better from here, with a little faith and a lot of fries 🙂

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