I wanted to let you know that I’ve started another blog, to cover the general life topics that don’t get covered in this blog.
Would love for you to check it out 🙂
Here it is: A Thoughtler
You know what, as a society we’ve become so cautious of ‘body shaming’ that a girl can’t even complain about her own looks without being accused of being insensitive and body shaming! Here’s a common scenario I face: Me: Ugh, my thighs have gotten so big I need to get back to the gym Female […]
I see you got married.
That’s right, I did.
You look happy.
You even wore a fucking pink dress.
What are you so angry about?
What am I so angry about? Really? You betrayed everything that we are, and you’re asking me why I’m angry?
Look, I don’t expect you to get it. And there isn’t a ‘we’ anymore. There hasn’t been for a while.
Of course, I forgot you stopped giving a shit about me.
It’s not that I don’t give a shit about you, it’s just we’re so different now.
I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.
Well, you’re probably right, you don’t know me.
I just can’t believe you would throw everything away. Everything I created.
Everything you created? What did you actually create? You are a master of destruction. I only started to create something after I walked away from you.
Hah, you’re still stubborn, at least that didn’t change. We had big plans. And you ruined it. You ruined everything.
Oh really? I ruined your big plan? What was that big plan again.. oh that’s right, you were going to hang around for someone who wasn’t yours, push everyone away, and keep looking for the next place and person. I don’t want that life.
But you did.
You sound upset. Are you angry at me?
I guess I am.
For being so stupid.
And I’m angry at you.
For forgetting me.
I didn’t forget you. I can never forget you. You were a big part of my life.
Then how come we don’t talk anymore?
Because, I don’t want your influence.
And I didn’t want your influence, but that didn’t stop you, did it?
Things are better now. I love my life. Having you around would just ruin it for me.
You don’t get it do you?
Your life is great now because of me. I dated the people that weren’t meant for you. I lived in cities that weren’t right for you. I took that shot and inhaled that smoke so that you don’t have to. Your life is a direct result of mine. And instead of thanking me for your life, all you do is ignore me and pretend I don’t exist. Guess what, I do exist. I’m there every time you look into the mirror. You can’t escape me.
I get it. You’re right, I owe you a thank you, and an apology. I’m sorry I’ve been pretending you never existed. Thank you for not loving your life, so that I could love mine.
Thank you, I appreciate you saying that. Look, I’m not here to bother you. I’m glad you’re happy, I really am. A part of me always wanted this for us.
Can I tell you something else?
I always knew we’d look good in pink.
(A conversation with my past self)
You wanna know something funny? Ever since I started this blog nearly 3 years ago, my life has been revolving around fries and men.
Well, because I figured now that I have a blog about fries and men, I need to immerse myself in those things so I can be true to my blog.
At certain times when fries and men didn’t feature much in my life, I would feel like I was doing something wrong. Like I was betraying my blog by not feeding it stories.
I moved to a new city recently though, and decided I want to change my life in a positive way. For starters, I wanted to focus more on me. I realized that by being in and out of flings and relationships, I hadn’t been able to truly focus on the single most important thing in my life – Me! I also decided I would start taking better care of my health and fitness.
In simple terms, I wanted my life to be less revolved around fries and men.
But what about my blog?
I shared this dilemma with a very good friend (also an amazing human being), and he said something really powerful:
“You’re a person with a blog, not a blog with a person”
He was completely right. Here I was, living as though my blog was my life, when the simple truth is that my blog is just what it is: a blog.
And with that realization, I’ve started my journey of living a balanced and healthy life which doesn’t revolve around fries and men.
I still allow myself to have fries from time to time – but it is no longer an addiction or something I crave for. And no, I didn’t become a hermit or a nun. I still go on dates and have my fair share of fun, but I no longer make men the center of my universe.
I am spending more time discovering myself and doing things I love. And you know what, I feel more empowered and happier than I’ve ever been in my life.
And I want to invite all of my readers to try it. Try making your life more about “YOU”, less about fries or men (or whatever else that your life has been revolving around). I promise you’ll see a positive difference 🙂
‘McDonald’s Twister Fries Are Back!’, I saw the giant poster as I was walking back to my apartment one night. I remember Twister fries, I remember I really enjoyed them. But I also remember they were available for a limited time only. And now McDonalds have decided to bring them back – again for a limited time.
The thing with ‘limited time’ is it makes you excited to get as much of them as you can – while it lasts. Each time you buy twister fries, you savor them and appreciate them because you know they’re only here for a short time. But it can also be nerve-wrecking. You might get paranoid each time you walk pass McDonalds, trying not to get your hopes up, wondering if the twister fries are still there.
And the day will come when you no longer see twister fries on the menu, and of course you knew this day would come. You even prepped yourself for it. But it still takes you by surprise, and you can’t help but feel a sense of loss. A twinge of sadness.
Did I want to get back to enjoying Twister fries, despite knowing they won’t be around very long, and that I will probably miss them when they’re taken off the menu again?
Did I want to still spend time with him, despite knowing he’ll be gone soon? Was I okay with the fact that even if he does come around again, it will always be just for a limited time?
In a way, it’s quite liberating. We always knew we would have to part ways, again. So there was no discussion needed. We don’t need to talk about feelings. We don’t even acknowledge them. We live in our own bubble world where there’s no need for questions or answers. No plans, no promises, no expectations. No rules, no ifs, no buts. We just are. We exist only in this moment, and we don’t go anywhere near the ‘next’ moment. The future doesn’t exist as far as we’re concerned. We enjoy the mere pleasure of each other’s company, without giving a thought as to where it will lead to.
Before saying our goodbyes, something builds up inside me and I am forced to blurt it out. ‘Will you miss me?, I ask. I know I shouldn’t ask, but sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me. ‘Of course’, he says. I don’t know if it’s true, and it doesn’t matter. It’s what I want to hear, and I’m happy to hear it.
That’s how it is. He says things I want to hear, and I do the same. Sometimes I see loneliness in his eyes, and I’m sure he sees sadness in mine. But we never talk about it. I cannot make him less lonely, and he cannot make me less sad. I never aspire to be what he wants, and he can never be what I need. So we just be. Without thinking. Without trying. Without discussion. Tomorrow the sun will come up and we both will go our separate ways.
I am reminded of something I heard a while ago: ‘Some people are like the wind – you can’t hold on to them. All you can do is embrace them whenever they come around.’
You know how when you first lay eyes on a serving of fries, you could almost always tell whether it’s going to taste good – just from that first look? Well, it was like that for me with the first man I ever fell for. From the first moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he was trouble.
It’s the same story for most men in my life actually – the trouble part, of course, but also the fact that I actually saw trouble written all over them since the first introduction.Their smile always a little too sweet; their dialogue always too smooth, too rehearsed; their eyes always too piercing. And a whole lot of other things that I picked up – all from that first encounter. It was obvious that these men were trouble. But it never stopped me, as I often decided that I liked dancing on volcanoes. So that was that.
There had also been instances where I couldn’t tell from just the first look. And the most recent incident hit me the hardest.
I got into a relationship with this man, who – at the time – seemed like the most perfect man in every single way. With my track record of trouble, I was ecstatic to have finally found someone decent.
Throughout the entire course of the relationship, however, I kept getting strange feelings. Like a vibe, that something wasn’t right. That there was more to it that I wasn’t seeing. Now, up until this point, I had always been a big believer of ‘trust your instinct’, and I prided myself for doing exactly that. But little did I know, when my instinct actually tried to speak up, I completely dismissed it. Here is how the conversation went :
Instinct : Hey, so you seem happy these days
Me : Yeah, I am! Isn’t this guy SO great!! Who are you again?
Instinct : Um, about that… I’m Instinct and I’m here to tell you he’s not as perfect as you’d like to believe.. In fact he’s…
Me : Duh! No one is perfect! But love is about loving the other person’s imperfections, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do, isn’t it wonderful!
Instinct : Ah.. Well.. I’m sure love is all about that.. But he isn’t …. this isn’t.. Love…
Me : What do you mean this isn’t love? Why are you trying to sabotage my relationship?
Instinct : I’m not… There’s just something you need to know..
Me : Oh my god! You miss trouble, don’t you? You miss hearing those sweet nothings.. You miss the thrill of it all! That’s why you don’t want me to be happy in this perfect and solid relationship!!
Instinct : No, it’s not that. Please, listen to me, I’m trying to tell you that you need to take a deeper look at…
Me : Stop! This is just insecurity talking! You’re scared I’m going to screw this up and so you’re just trying to get me to run !!
Instinct : No, I’m Instinct, NOT Insecurity! I’m trying to warn you! Please listen to me…
Insecurity : Did someone call me? By the way, what’s with this committed relationship business that you’re in? You don’t seriously think you actually have what it takes to make a relationship work, do you? Stop fooling yourself and go find some trouble, I’m bored!
Me : Shut up, both of you!! I am happy. I am in a healthy, committed relationship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. Or me. So I don’t want to hear another word from either of you!
Insecurity : Booooooring
Instinct : No, please, listen. I know you think you’re happy.. But you need to..
Me : Shhh
Instinct : I just…
Me : Shhhhh!!
As you can see, that didn’t go very well. And I ended up ignoring my instinct and all of its warnings and red flags. Until six months down the line, my instinct brought out a hammer and hit me straight in the head – an act which I’m forever grateful for. And that’s when it REALLY hit me.
This man was not at all who I thought he was, and if I had listened to my instinct, I would have found that there was more to him than meets the eye, much more. I never could have in a million years suspected it.
It was painful and eye-opening, and I sunk into what I believe was my lowest point. And I came out of it with the biggest lesson in my life so far : Always, always, ALWAYS listen to your instinct! Even if it makes no sense. Even if you don’t understand it. Even if there’s no logic, no reason, no rationalization whatsoever. Listen to it. Especially when it keeps nagging at you.
I reconciled with Instinct afterwards, in case you’re interested.
Me : Hey… Instinct, are you there?
Instinct : Yeah, I’m always here… What’s up?
Me : I just wanted to say I’m sorry for doubting you.. You were right all along..
Instinct : I know. And for the record, I’m ALWAYS right
Insecurity : Cocky bastard!
Me : Shhh!
Tonight over dinner, a girl friend was telling me stories about her quest for a boyfriend. She said she had been single for two years, and had tried everything : online dating sites, blind dates, introduction through friends. She even resorted to having her mom set her up. But still she wasn’t able to find a man.
Out of desperation, she asked me what she should do. The only advice I gave her is this : You will find it when you stop looking.
I suppose an example is in order.
During my trip to Japan, I randomly came across a Ramen place. I decided to go in, not because I’m a big fan of Ramen, but just because I was starving. I ordered the first thing I saw – curry Ramen. I waited impatiently for my Ramen, not expecting much from it, since I’ve never really enjoyed Ramen. But when the curry Ramen was served on the table, I saw something. To my delight & surprise, the Ramen was topped with Fries!! I would have never in a million years expect to find fries on top of any noodle dish, let alone a curry Ramen. But there they were, resting on the bowl. And let me tell you – fries with curry Ramen – simply amazing! And the best part is I could have never imagined it!
That’s how life works. It constantly surprises you. And just when you stop looking for that guy, you’ll find him. When you least expect to. In a bookstore. On a plane. At a gym. Or in my case, while traveling to a new place.
So ladies, I urge you to take a break from all the looking, searching, and hunting. Sit back and let life surprise you. Let it catch you off guard and take your breath away. You never know what you’ll find when you stop looking 😉